2012 was a slow start and that's because for the last six to nine months I had unknowingly been suffering with depression and it was a gradual decline downwards each month. I didn't have the motivation to do anything, no inspiration or desire to photograph and for the most part I didn't want to exist at all. Not die, I wasn't suicidal, I just didn't want to exist, perhaps a little hard to differentiate but ultimately two very different things. For two months I just read books. All the time. As soon as I woke up I would start reading and pretty much until I went to sleep, i'd just want to stay in that fantasy world because ultimately it was a lot more tolerable than reality. It got even worse when my guinea pig passed away. Now I know that they're just small fluffy rodents but she was MY small fluffy rodent and the last of four that i'd had over the past ten years so I felt extremely lost when she died and that pointless feeling to life just got worse and I no longer cared about anything.
That's a very short summed up paragraph of what is realistically very complicated. I've made it brief, skipping out most of the details of what actually happened but for the sake of an overview, you get the point. In terms of my career, i'd been promising to do shoots left right and center and just never managed to uphold to them due to the previously mentioned mental illness, but in March things finally came together for a shoot in Brighton and it helped re-inspire me. I always forget how much passion I have for photography when I haven't done it for a long time and then everything clicks back into place in my mind when I get behind the camera again.
It did help motivate me but admittedly not towards fashion. I had been helping my friend with her horses again which played its part in helping me, not just getting out and doing something but the very nature of being around horses. If you speak to any equestrian, horses aren't just a hobby, a career or pet, they can be a salvation. There is such a thing as equine assisted therapy whereby horses are used as an aid alongside psychotherapy to overcoming mental illness, addiction and general life stresses and worries. Having managed to reintegrated myself with the equestrian world i'd stumbled across Hickstead advertising for interns, one journalism and one photography. I fit the brief perfectly and with very little to lose emailed my application and for the next few weeks waited for the rejection. Ofcourse I got a very different email and was over the moon to hear that I was the successful applicant and offered the internship.
The shows themselves were in June and July and that internship was by far the best thing I have done this year. It put me in an environment where I thrived, basically ticking all the boxes in my opinion. I was obviously photographing, surrounded by horses and world class equestrian talent, kept me busy, was in a team of incredible and lovely people and I was learning the entire time.
During April I had started taking antidepressants which sort of put recovery into fast forward as the heavy mind fog that is depression broke up and vanished leaving me noticeably feeling myself again. This coupled with the horses, a busy summer working, visiting my friend in yorkshire and a family holiday really lifted me up and back to normality. I didn't particularly undertake many photographic projects but towards the end of this year my imagination has started to nag at me again and my fashion work is gradually getting back on track, with some test shoots underway and an editorial planned for the beginning of next year
In summary I think 2012 may not have seen my career flourish but it has definitely been one of personal growth and accomplishment as I put a lot of focus on other life aspects and allowing myself time to climb out of the canyon that i'd been stuck in for so long. I certainly owe many thanks to many people for their patience and advice during this year, without whom i'm pretty certain I wouldn't have pushed forwards as much as I have.
At the end of last year I remember wondering where I will be and what I would have achieved by now and I may be in exactly the same place with little to show for what I have done but I have much more confidence, experience and determination to chase down what I want and start living the life I imagine for myself.
I hope those who are reflecting on their own lives during the past year can see the positives even where things got a little rough and stride into 2013 with all the motivation they need to achieve their goals, whatever form they may take.
“An enthusiastic heart finds opportunities everywhere.”
— Paulo Coelho
Wishing everyone a happy new year and a brilliant celebration tomorrow night as it rolls over to 2013.
No comments:
Post a Comment